


WIRED presents: Richie Tozier & Eddie Kaspbrak Answer the Web's Most Searched Questions

by kyaticlikestea



Series: Richie Tozier is famous and loves his boyfriend, OK [3]
Category: IT (Movies - Muschietti)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Bisexual Eddie Kaspbrak, Comedian Richie Tozier, Gay Richie Tozier, Internet Famous, Interviews, M/M, POV Outsider, Richie Tozier's Stand Up Act, Talk Shows, YouTube, wired autocomplete
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-04
Updated: 2019-11-04
Packaged: 2021-01-23 03:20:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,005
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21313327
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kyaticlikestea/pseuds/kyaticlikestea
Summary: Eddie:[Peels off the next question]Why did Eddie Kaspbrak delete Twitter? Oh, man.Richie:[Laughs]He didn’t delete it! He got a temporary ban. Tell them why, Eddie!Eddie:Because I was on a work trip to Idaho and I tweeted that I could see your fivehead from my office.Richie:And?Eddie:And… because I also tweeted that having big dick energy and just being a big dick weren’t the same thing. And then I tagged you in the tweet. And wrote ‘case in point.’Richie:And…?Eddie:And I got a temporary ban for targeted harassment, dickwad, you know this.It's a timeless tale. Emmy-nominated comedian browbeats his much maligned, Twitter famous boyfriend into doing a WIRED: Autocomplete Interview. Questions are answered. 'Your mom' jokes are made. Licking is involved. Y'know. Normal stuff.
Relationships: Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier
Series: Richie Tozier is famous and loves his boyfriend, OK [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1530359
Comments: 128
Kudos: 2129





	WIRED presents: Richie Tozier & Eddie Kaspbrak Answer the Web's Most Searched Questions

_ **[Full recorded transcript of WIRED's Autocomplete Interview with Richie Tozier and special guest Eddie Kaspbrak, recorded October 9th 2019]  
** _

_ **[Editor's notes: obviously, we're going to have to cut... a lot of this. Maybe we could post an uncut version on one of our sister channels? It would drive a lot of traffic to our other outlets. Let us know and we'll do a rough cut of both.]** _

_[Richie and Eddie are each sat on a stool on a white set. Richie looks absolutely delighted to be here. Eddie, whose arms are folded, does not.]_

**Eddie: ** Do we have to do this bit? This is so weird, man.

**Richie: **Yeah, dude. It’s like, tradition to say the other person’s name. They do it on all of these autocomplete interview things. Did you not do your homework?

**Eddie: ** You know I did. I literally watched them with you. You made me watch the one with Ryan Reynolds and Jake Gyllenhaal four times for _ [he makes air quotations with his fingers] _research.

**Richie: ** So you know that we have to do this bit, then. C’mon, babe, do this one thing for me and I’ll let you do that thing you like so much when we get home. _ [Eddie glares at him; Richie raises his hands in mock horror] _Whoa, dude, chill. I meant the dishes. 

**Eddie: **Hurry up, then. 

**Richie: ** _ [He clears his throat, turns to the camera] _Hi, Wired! I’m Eduardo - 

**Eddie: **Nope, absolutely not.

**Richie: ** _ [Visibly deflating] _You’re literally no fun. Jesus. Fine. Hi, Wired! I’m Eddie Kaspbrak.

**Eddie: **And I’m Ricardo Tozier - 

**Richie: **Hey! 

**Eddie: **\- and this is the Wired Autocomplete Interview. Thank fuck that’s out of the way. OK, let’s blitz these. This is the worst day of my life. 

**Richie: **Yeah, let’s see what you freaks have been Googling about us. 

**Eddie: **It’s super weird that anyone’s Googling anything about me, by the way. I’m not even famous. 

**Richie: **Dude, babe, you have more Twitter followers than me. 

**Eddie: **Only because you kept retweeting me insulting you and it went viral. 

**Richie: **You’re an internet sensation, baby. A bona fide influencer. I’m not even making the really obvious boner joke there. Are you proud of me?

**Eddie: **I feel like you just made it. 

**Richie: **That’s a no, then. 

**Eddie: **Oh my God, peel off the first thing. 

**Richie: **I’m just giving the viewers what they want, lots of content of you bullying me.

_ [He picks up the first board; the search term is ‘is Richie Tozier’] _

**Richie: **Do you want to answer the ones about me, or shall I?

**Eddie: **I’ll do it. You’ll only make up a whole bunch of shit and I'll have to correct it all anyway. Might as well cut out the middle man.

**Richie: ** If you do mine, I get to do yours. And I already did your mom, so.

**Eddie: ** _ [Sighs] _Yeah, good point.

**Richie: ** _[A__bout to peel off the first search term, then he stops and looks past the camera] _Hey, uh, can we get, like, a trashcan over here? 

_ [Eddie frowns at him; someone off-screen says something that sounds a lot like ‘is this a bit?’] _

**Richie: ** It’s not a bit, I swear. It’s just - _ [he looks at Eddie, and blushes] _it’s the scrappy bits of paper. You, uh. You don’t like that kind of shit just being, like, thrown all over the floor. But if you’re fine with it, then - 

**Eddie: ** Oh, no, fuck, you’re totally right. Thanks. _ [He looks past the camera, somewhat apologetically] _Sorry, production crew of Wired Autocomplete Interview. It’s an actual thing. Sorry.

_ [A few seconds pass; someone hands Richie an empty wastepaper basket from off-screen. He sets it down on the floor in between them.] _

**Eddie: **Thanks.

**Richie: **Yeah, well. That’s why you keep me around.

**Eddie: **It’s true, I only keep you around for your magic ability to summon trashcans wherever you go. 

**Richie: ** _ [Laughing] _ Fuck you, dude. Let’s get this show on the road. _ [He peels off the first search term and throws the paper in the trash] _Is Richie Tozier married?

**Eddie: **No, not even to my mom, although I guarantee you that's what he would have answered if I let him.

**Richie: **Actually, I would have said not yet! When are you gonna lock down all this trashcan summoning goodness? When are you gonna put a ring on my finger, huh? 

**Eddie: **Me? Why am I the one putting a ring on your finger? You’re the one with freakishly large hands. I’d have to put a hula hoop on it. 

**Richie: **Dude, can you not say all this shit to me on camera? It makes it really difficult for me to plagiarise you in my act when there’s proof that you said it first.

**Eddie: **You’ve plagiarised, like, half my Twitter account. 

**Richie: ** That’s a lie. I’ve plagiarised at least two thirds of it. Next question. _ [He peels off the next search term] _Is Richie Tozier funny? 

**Eddie: ** Ha! I love that they’ve had to Google that. Like, they’ve watched all of your stuff and they’re just like, ‘_is _ Richie Tozier funny? _ Is _ he?'

**Richie:** '_Am _I entertained? Beats the hell outta me, better Google it!’

**Eddie: **So weird.

**Richie: **But is he funny? The public must know! They demand answers! Tell them, Eduardo, before they beat down the doors!

**Eddie: **Jesus. Yeah, he’s pretty funny. Sometimes. Don’t tell him, though. 

**Richie: ** My lips are sealed. Next! This is fun. _ [He peels off the next question] _ Is Richie Tozier gay?

**Eddie: **Huh. This person's been, like, living under a rock.

**Richie: **Or in Derry.

**Eddie: **Nah, they wouldn't be able to type out the word without bursting into flames if they were in Derry.

**Richie: **Ha. Very true. 

**Eddie:** Well? Answer them, Rich. The people want to know. Are you gay?

**Richie: **I feel like that’s a really personal question for you to be asking me right now. 

**Eddie: **Your shirt literally says ‘Gay and not for pay.’ 

**Richie: **It might not be about me, though. I could be committing a really niche hate crime. Through the medium of, erm, clothing.

**Eddie: **You’re committing a crime against fashion. 

**Richie: **You’re so much gayer than me and you’re not even gay. 

**Eddie: **He’s so gay that [he wrote a whole comedy special about it](https://archiveofourown.org/works/21219578). Next question. 

**Richie: ** _ [Peeling off the next question] _Is Richie Tozier Canadian?

**Eddie: **You’re not even polite. Why would anyone think that?

**Richie: **I’m so polite! I said thank you, like, twenty times this morning, when you - 

**Eddie: **Uh, people from my work are gonna watch this, and then I’m gonna have to quit my job, and then I’ll have to spend all day at home, and I’m gonna have to colour code your sock drawer, so consider that. And anyway, you immediately kneed me in the nose, so not that polite.

**Richie: **And then I apologised, like, forty times! So polite. 

**Eddie: **Jesus. Fine. Super polite, but not Canadian. That we know of. Maybe the milkman was Canadian, though, we’ll never know. 

**Richie: ** Hey! I thought _ you _fucked my mom?

**Eddie: **Not before you were born, dude. Gross. Next. 

**Richie: ** _ [He peels off the next question] _Is Richie Tozier in Bill Denbrough film? Wow, people don’t Google with, like, any thought to syntax and grammar, huh?

**Eddie: **I literally saw you Google ‘how make good puff pastry no butter lactose free easy recipe’ this morning, so maybe don’t be a total dick.

**Richie: ** Um, wow. Called out for doing a super nice thing for my lactose intolerant boyfriend. Nice one, _ Eddie_. Really showed everyone my true colours there.

**Eddie: **Yeah, yeah, you’re a fucking dream. Anyway, are you in Bill Denbrough film? I feel like I can’t answer that one for you. 

**Richie: **Actually, neither can I! Hollywood is truly a land of secrets. An enigma wrapped in a riddle, and tied in a bow of mystery. And also NDAs. Is that it for that board?

**Eddie: **Yeah, thank fuck. 

**Richie: ** Great! _ [Richie throws the board over his shoulder; it lands with a crash, and Eddie winces]_ Hope there’s nothing too expensive behind me. Your turn! 

_ [Eddie sighs, and picks up a board. The search term is ‘does Eddie Kaspbrak’.] _

**Eddie: **Do your worst. 

**Richie: **Oh, I’m gonna. 

**Eddie: ** _ [Peeling off the first question] _Does Eddie Kaspbrak hate Richie Tozier? Oh my God. This is the Twitter thing, isn’t it?

**Richie: **Honestly, you cyberbully the love of your life twice, maybe a hundred times, and the whole world thinks you hate him. Yes! He hates me so much. It’s great, actually, because the way he shows how much he hates me is to spend his entire life with me and cook me elaborate meals and send flowers backstage before literally every single show I do and make out with me, like, all the time. He’s such a dick. Our rivalry knows no bounds. 

**Eddie: **Do people really think I hate you? Why would I date you if I hated you?

**Richie: ** Beats me, Eduardo Spaghuardo, but I’m eternally grateful that you _ do _date me, and that you continue to put out on every date. I hope we get to second base soon. 

**Eddie: ** Oh my God, I take it back. I _ do _ hate him. Next. _ [He peels off the next question] _Does Eddie Kaspbrak -

_ [Richie bursts into hysterics] _

**Edde: **Oh, fuck no. Next question. 

**Richie:** _[Reading off the board] _Does Eddie Kaspbrak wear a fanny pack? No! He doesn’t! And it’s the bane of my life! If they don’t immediately cut this segment because he said a bad word, can you all comment and tell him to wear a fanny pack? It would improve my life immensely. Thanks!

**Eddie: **Yeah, yeah, laugh it up. You basically owe your Emmy nomination to my fanny pack, so.

**Richie: **It’s true. I really, really do. And I’m grateful for it every single day. 

**Eddie: **You’d better be. I’m still not gonna wear one, though. 

**Richie: **Yeah, you have that fancy man bag now. 

**Eddie: **Fuck you, it’s not a man bag, it’s just a bag! It’s literally just a vessel to put shit in. Bags aren’t inherently feminine, they don't have genders, because they're fucking _bags_, and you know this, what the fuck. Anyway, it’s just fucking practical! Fuck me for not wanting to do what you do and fill my pockets up with so much shit that it looks like I’m smuggling drugs wherever I go.

**Richie: **Edward Spaghedward, they’re going to cut all of this thanks to your foul mouth. 

**Eddie: **Good! I’ll swear more, then, and it’ll just be a video of you answering questions about someone who isn’t even here. I still think it’s genuinely weird that I’m here at all. 

**Richie: **It’s so not weird, babe. I absolutely promise you that the viewcount for this is going to be, like, astronomical, thanks to you and your handsome face and mean tweets. 

**Eddie: **Astronomical. That’s the longest word I’ve ever heard you use. Trying to impress someone?

**Richie: **Now who would I be trying to impress? I’m already sat here with my dream boy! 

**Eddie: **Yeah, all right. I’m like, 42, dude. If either of us is a dream boy, it’s you. 

**Richie: **Me?

**Eddie: **Yeah, because you’re eternally 12.

**Richie: ** But I’m your _ dream boy_? 

**Eddie: ** Sometimes I dream about you being quiet. You know you are, shut up. Moving on. Next. _ [He peels off the next question] _ Does Eddie Kaspbrak write Richie Tozier? I mean, sometimes I feel like I made him up, if that’s the question…

**Richie: **Yes. He writes all my acts for me. He’s my ghostwriter. That’s why I suddenly became funny. 

**Eddie: **Did you? I didn’t notice. 

**Richie: **Ha! See? He’s a gem. But no, he doesn’t write my stuff. Technically. Although 80% of my stuff is just me recounting something he did or said, so… maybe?

**Eddie: **You could pay me more. 

**Richie: **I pay you in lactose free baked goods and earth-shattering orgasms, shut up. 

**Eddie: **You’ve literally never baked me anything, you just Googled how to. Once. _This morning.  
_

**Richie: **Not denying the second part, though, I see. 

**Eddie: ** Now who’s getting cut for their foul mouth? Although it’s more like your foul mind, I guess, which we all knew about anyway. _ [He peels off the next question] _Does Eddie Kaspbrak exist?

**Richie: ** I don’t know. Does he? _ [he reaches over and prods Eddie in the upper thigh, not hard; Eddie rubs at it exaggeratedly] _

**Eddie: ** Fucking _ ow_, fuckwad!

**Richie: **Looks like it. Yep, that’s definitely Eddie. No-one else would be that dramatic about me literally touching them.

**Eddie: **You poked me right on a bruise, you piece of shit. 

**Richie: ** What bruise? _ [Eddie glares at him; Richie flushes] _Oh. Right. Uh, Eddie exists, everyone. I just proved it with science. Uh. What’s the next one?

**Eddie: ** _ [He peels off the next question] _Does Eddie Kaspbrak know Bev Marsh?

**Richie: **He does! Intimately. I feel like the whole reason he’s always reminding people that he’s bi, not gay, is so that Bev still knows she has a chance with him. 

**Eddie: ** Oh, fuck off. It’s because bi erasure is a _ thing_, asshole. I bet if they did a board of ‘is Eddie Kaspbrak’ questions, the very first one would be ‘is Eddie Kaspbrak gay?’ despite the fact that you literally did a whole special where the title said I wasn’t. _ [He looks past the camera] _ Am I right? Was that the first question? _ [Someone says ‘yeah, actually,’ off screen. Eddie grins.] _Fucking told you.

**Richie: **You’re such a dreamboat. You’re, like, so hot when you rant about social justice. 

**Eddie: **Fuck you. 

**Richie: **Dude, it’s true, babe! Fifty bucks says that all the comments on this agree with me. 

**Eddie: **Whatever. Anyway, Bev doesn’t have a chance with me, so.

**Richie: **Aw, why’s that, sweetie-pie? Because you’re already so loved up with me?

**Eddie: **No, jerkwad, because she’s married to literally the best looking dude on the entire planet.

**Richie: ** _ [Sighs] _Damn, it’s true. 

**Eddie: **And also the other thing, but shut up. Next. Oh, that’s it? Sweet. Thank fuck. 

**Richie: **There’s a whole other set of boards, baby! 

**Eddie: **Jesus. 

_ [Richie tosses the board over his shoulder, where it lands with another crash, and picks up the next one. The search term is ‘when Richie Tozier’] _

**Richie: ** Me again! _ [He peels off the first question] _When Richie Tozier born?

**Eddie: **He born 1976. 

**Richie: **I born November 8th 1976, to be exact, so I 42. Very nearly 43. I know it’s hard to believe, though. I don’t look a day over 52.

**Eddie: **Don’t be so hard on yourself, man, you don’t look much older than 50.

**Richie: ** Yeah, well, not all of us were still getting carded at 27, all right? _ [He peels off the next question] _When Richie Tozier win an Emmy?

**Eddie: **I’m gonna have to answer these without doing the whole grammar bit, or I’m gonna go insane, sorry. Uh, is it fair to say you haven’t won an Emmy?

**Richie: **I mean, I literally haven’t, so yeah. 

**Eddie: **You should have, though. 

**Richie: **Thanks, babe! I feel like you’re a little biased, though.

**Eddie: **I mean, yeah, but I don’t just think that because I love you or whatever. It was just a good show. It got the highest ratings for a taped comedy special ever. You got a profile in, fucking, TIME Magazine. You should have won, is all. 

**Richie: ** But John Mulaney’s winning show was also _ very good, thoroughly deserved win, John. _ And oh my God, babe, you love me? That’s so embarrassing!

**Eddie: **I literally live with you. 

**Richie: ** Still. Imagine confessing your love for your life partner _ in public_. Can’t relate. I’d never do that. 

**Eddie: **Yeah, well, talk about my fanny pack less in your next special and maybe I’ll get to confess my love for my Emmy award winning life partner in public next time. 

_ [Eddie reaches over and peels off the next question.] _

**Richie: **Hey! I’m reading it, back off. When Richie Tozier married?

**Eddie: **Oh my God. Again?

**Richie: **Yeah, Eddie, when? When Richie Tozier married? 

**Eddie: **You could literally propose. 

**Richie: **We both know you’re gonna propose. Even though you always complain about it.

**Eddie: **Yeah, I dread to think what your proposal would be like. 

**Richie: **Hey! It would be super romantic. I’d, like, take you out to dinner, somewhere with an open kitchen so that you could sit and watch the chef wash their hands for peace of mind, and I’d have this secret pact with the waiters and I’d get them to hide a ring in your, I don’t know, gluten free cheesecake or whatever the fuck you’d order for dessert in this scenario.

**Eddie: **So you’d risk choking me to death for a proposal? What if I ate the fucking ring, Richie? What if I just chowed it right down and it got stuck in my throat and you had to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre, and it didn’t work because you never listened when I explained to you how to do the Heimlich manoeuvre, and then I died? What then? You gonna propose to my corpse? You gonna marry my corpse? Real fucking romantic, Richie.

**Richie: **See, this is why you’re gonna propose.

**Eddie: **Damn right I am. As soon as I find a tasteful hula hoop. 

_ [Eddie reaches over to peel off the next one; Richie holds him back with one hand and peels off the question with the other] _

**Richie: **When Richie Tozier meet Bill Denbrough? Ooooh. Short version, I think.

**Eddie: **Uh, we all grew up together in a famous murder town. It was great.

**Richie: ** Yeah, pretty much that. None of us got murdered, which was nice. _ [He shares a look with Eddie, who shrugs.] _ Uh, total bummer of an answer, though, despite it being God’s honest truth. _ [He does an awkward thumbs up] _ Childhood’s great. Got some lifelong friends and a life partner to go along with the lifelong trauma, sooooo. _ [He peels off the next question] _When Richie Tozier next special?

**Eddie: **Please don’t do the bit. 

**Richie: ** I’m doing the bit. _ [Richie crosses his legs, folds his arms primly, and smiles somewhat unnervingly at the camera. Eddie puts his head in his hands.] _Richie Tozier’s brand new comedy special, ‘Hold My Fannypack’, will be available to stream on Netflix on December 1st, 2019! Critics are calling it possibly the most groundbreaking hour and a half of comedy ever -

**Eddie: **No critics are calling it that.

**Richie: **They might, once they’ve seen it! 

**Eddie: **Yeah, all right, they might. It’s a pretty great hour and a half of comedy, despite the title.

**Richie: ** _ [Gapes at Eddie for a solid five seconds] _Shit, I’m too flustered to keep doing the bit. 

**Eddie: **Thank God.

**Richie: ** Oh, mine are done? Huh. One more board for you, I guess! _ [He tosses the board over his shoulder and picks up the last one; the search term reads ‘why Eddie Kaspbrak’] _ Do you wanna do the peely-peely?

**Eddie: ** Nothing would bring me greater joy. _ [He peels off the first question] _Why Eddie Kaspbrak scar?

**Richie: **Oh, wow. Do you wanna answer that one yourself? It’s, uh, your call.

**Eddie: **What, you’re not going to say something like ‘well, he was giving me a blowjob one time, and I got too excited and punctured a hole in his cheek with my dick?’

**Richie: **Babe, I don’t have, like, a sword dick. That’s actually a really horrible mental image that I’m definitely going to be bringing up with my therapist tomorrow, so thanks for that. And no! Like, not to get all serious on this lighthearted Wired Autocomplete Interview segment, but - uh, I feel like it’s your story to tell, not mine. And also it's just about the only thing in the world I’m not gonna joke about.

**Eddie: ** _ [He looks at Richie consideringly, then smiles brightly] _Got stabbed in the face by an escaped serial killer in my bathroom. 

**Richie: **Oh my God.

**Eddie: **It’s what happened!

**Richie: ** We’ll leave it for the viewers to decide. Was Eddie Kaspbrak really stabbed in the face by an escaped serial killer in his bathroom? Answers on a postcard. _ [He looks past the camera] _ You guys cut out all the Jennifer Aniston questions when Justin Theroux was on! You cut out the stuff about some dude’s ex-girlfriend, but you leave in the ones about Eddie’s _ facial injury_?

_ [Someone off-screen apologises; Eddie shrugs] _

**Eddie: **I don’t mind. It’s, like, right there. On my face. People ask me all the time. 

**Richie: **All the time? I’m gonna beat them all up. 

**Eddie: ** _ [Looking at Richie fondly] _ With those noodle arms of yours? You sure about that? And anyway, it’s literally fine. I can’t do anything about it. If I didn’t want people staring, I guess I shouldn’t have got stabbed in the face by an escaped serial killer in my bathroom.

**Richie: ** _ [He leans over and plants quite the smooch on Eddie’s scar] _They’re only staring because it makes you look so tough and hot and strong and they get all flustered and can’t think of a pick-up line. 

**Eddie: **Yeah, that’ll be it. Anyway, don’t get grumpy. That’s my job. 

**Richie: **Yeah, you’re way better at it than me. Do the next one. 

**Eddie: ** _ [Eddie peels off the next question] _ Why Eddie Kaspbrak famous? Good fucking question! I’m not. 

**Richie: **He totally is, and he’s famous because he’s the trophy boyfriend - 

**Eddie: **Nope.

**Richie: ** \- of an Emmy nominated comedian named Richie Tozier, and also he frequently sets Twitter ablaze with his scintillating wit. _ [Eddie stares at him] _What?

**Eddie: **Scintillating? I’m impressed. 

**Richie: **I’m gonna rename my next special. ‘Richie Tozier: not total pigshit, actually.’

**Eddie: **Nah, the fanny pack thing is way more on brand. As much as I hate to admit it. 

**Richie: ** Look! Look, Wired Autocomplete Interview fans! You just witnessed me getting _ explicit approval _of the whole fanny pack bit from Mr Fanny Pack himself. Explicit approval of my very explicit fantasies - 

**Eddie: ** Nope. Next. _ [He peels off the next question] _Why Eddie Kaspbrak delete Twitter? Oh, man. 

**Richie: ** _ [Laughs] _He didn’t delete it! He got a temporary ban. Tell them why, Eddie! 

**Eddie: **Because I was on a work trip to Idaho and I tweeted that I could see your fivehead from my office.

**Richie: **And?

**Eddie: **And… because I also tweeted that having big dick energy and just being a big dick weren’t the same thing. And then I tagged you in the tweet. And wrote ‘case in point.’

**Richie: **And…?

**Eddie: **And I got a temporary ban for targeted harassment, dickwad, you know this. 

**Richie: ** But the viewers don’t! _ [He looks at the camera] _ Someone reported my boyfriend for his very, very mean tweets about me, because he cyberbullies me _ all the time _ and it’s the best part of my entire life, and he got a Twitter ban. 

**Eddie: **Yeah. And then when the ban was lifted, I had to get verified and put your fucking name in my bio, asshole, so that people knew I wasn’t just some shitty troll who actually hated your guts.

**Richie: **So you don’t hate my guts?

**Eddie: ** _ [He rolls his eyes] _I love your guts, blah blah blah.

**Richie: **Yeah, I thought you might love my guts. That explains why you like to - 

**Eddie: ** _ [Eddie slaps a hand over Richie’s mouth] _ Oh, holy shit, beep fucking _ beep_. How do you not hear yourself before you speak? Fuck. People at _ work _are gonna watch this. 

**Richie: ** _ [From around Eddie’s hand] _So quit and become my trophy husband. 

**Eddie: ** I’m not - _ [he shrieks and snatches his hand back] _ did you just _ lick _my fucking hand? What the fuck?

**Richie: ** It’s not the worst part of you I’ve licked. _ [Richie’s eyes widen] _ I meant your foot! [Like from the Mean Tweets episode I did](https://archiveofourown.org/works/21229949)! It was self-referential, because we’re doing a Twitter bit! Please don’t make me sleep on the couch tonight. 

**Eddie: ** At least you’ll be sleeping tonight. Pretty sure I won’t be. Jesus. Please tell me this is the last one. There’s two more? Oh, shit. I don’t pay my therapist enough for this. _ [He peels off the next question] _Why Eddie Kaspbrak mean?

**Richie: ** _ [He laughs hysterically] _Yeah, why you mean?

**Eddie: **I’m not mean, asshole!

**Richie: **That would have so much more weight if you hadn’t called me an asshole as you said it. 

**Eddie: ** OK, I’m not _always_ mean. 

**Richie: **You wanted to call me an asshole so bad then, didn’t you?

**Eddie: **Yeah. It was, like, a struggle not to say it. Fuck, maybe I am mean. 

**Richie: ** You’re not mean! You just have, uh, a caustic wit. Very caustic. Like sticking your hand into a jar of acid. At a bar-mitzvah. For a dying child.

**Eddie: **You always say I’m mean in your shows. 

**Richie: **Yeah, and then I follow it up by saying that I love that you’re mean. 

**Eddie: ** So I _ am _ mean. 

**Richie: ** Yeah, OK, you’re pretty mean. But, like, also not. Like when I was ill that time before a show and you, fucking, made me soup from scratch, like some kind of Victorian kitchen maid, apron and all. Or the time you took me on a surprise trip to Vegas for my birthday, despite all the bacteria, and then you totally wiped the floor with everyone at poker and won a ridiculous amount of money and took me to dinner with it. _ [Eddie is blushing furiously] _ Or the time I was super stressed, and you - 

**Eddie: **Beep beep.

**Richie: **You don’t even know what I was going to say!

**Eddie: **I can guess. 

**Richie: **Well, my point stands. Not mean. Also cute! Eddie Spaghetti, undercover cutie.

**Eddie: ** Yeah, yeah. Well, you got our house deep cleaned by professionals while I was in Idaho, so. I owed you. _ [He clears his throat] _ Anyway. Next. _ [He peels off the last question] _Why Eddie Kaspbrak marry Richie Tozier?

**Richie: **Who the fuck asks that? 

**Eddie: **Yeah, that’s a weird fucking question. 

**Richie: **‘Hey, Barbara, just wondering; why did you marry Greg? Was it for his bank account, his way with kids, or did he have, like, _information _on you?’ No-one asks that. We’re not even married! Why does literally everyone think we're married?

**Eddie: **We act pretty married, dude.

**Richie: **Fair, but still. Dumb. Idiots. Like I wouldn't _immediately _start calling myself Richie Kaspbrak and Photoshopping pictures of me in a bridal gown. Of course we're not married. God.

**Eddie: **It’s the last question, though. I feel like it deserves an answer.

**Richie: **OK, well, tell the people why Eddie Kaspbrak marry Richie Tozier, then. 

**Eddie: ** I mean, if I _ had _ married you, which we both know I haven’t, I would have married you for, like, a couple reasons. _ [He counts them off on his fingers] _ One, because not many other people would be able to put up with me wiping down every surface with anti-bacterial spray before using it, so, that’s a point in your favour. Two, because you always rinse your plates before you put them in the dishwasher without being asked. Three, because you offered to punch anyone who asked about my scar in the face, and that’s pretty on brand for you, because I distinctly remember you also threatening to punch this guy in the face when we were 11 and he wouldn’t let me go on Street Fighter at the arcade, even though it was my turn, and even though you ultimately ended up running away from that fight, because the other guy was about 35 years old, I appreciate that the thought was there. Four, because you’re the funniest person I’ve ever met, and fuck you, by the way, for thinking that people will only watch this video because I’m in it, because they’re definitely all watching it for you and your stupid one liners, because they’re always funny, even though they also make me want to die. Five, because you’re - as you always say - the love of my life and I love you and want to spend my life with you, or whatever. And six, because I know you’re pretty desperate to join the Kaspbrak family tree, and now that my mom’s dead, I’m your best shot at that. So. _ [He’s blushing furiously at this point] _Are we done? We’re done? Good.

**Richie: ** _ [Blinking, a shocked expression on his face] _Edward Spaghedward? Where did all that come from! No, no, we’re not done! Did you get all that on camera? Did you? Can you send me a copy? I’m gonna set it to, like, the theme from Titanic, and I’m gonna play it before bed every night. Fuck. And like, to check, that wasn’t, like, your actual proposal, right? 

**Eddie: **Fuck no. You’ll know my proposal when you see it, dude.

**Richie: **I’m the luckiest man on Earth.

**Eddie: **Debatable. 

**Richie: ** Shit. _ [He stares at Eddie, then shakes his head] _ OK. Thanks for having us, Wired. It’s been. Uh. Real. 

**Eddie: **Can we go now?

**Richie: ** Oh, _ please_.

* * *

_ **[Video upload title: Richie Tozier & Eddie Kaspbrak Answer the Web's Most Searched Questions | WIRED, uploaded November 4th 2019]** _

**4.5M Views**

_Comments liked by Richie Tozier  
_

**Annie Tozier Fan:** Eddie wear a fanny pack

**STREAM DCMBG: **do it eddie

**Rtozierhomozier: **Wear the fanny pack, Eddie (also is this... unedited???)

**bmarshfan: **Does anyone else think that the scar is like super hot lmao like damn good job Tozier... you found a hot one

**gReGkAsPbRaK: **lmfao is this the first time wired have put a disclaimer for swearing at the beginning, or

**Trey T: **he's right.........we're all here for his bf (no shade im a tozehard)

**BillDenbroughIsHotStuff:** You: They left this interview early to fuck lmao. Me, an intellectual: They left this interview early to do the dishes

**Author's Note:**

> I watched many, many WIRED videos in preparation for this and I regret most of it.  
Requested by [amberskippen](https://archiveofourown.org/users/amberskippen/pseuds/amberskippen)!


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